Tales of the Parodyverse

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Josh Clement (with thanks to Dancer and Vizh and the now-customary content advisory)
Fri Sep 09, 2005 at 01:34:47 pm EDT
Subject
The Intermittent Adventures of De Brown Streak #22, Now With Original Formula Writer Once Again
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We open in a dark, spooky alley. Two scary eyes peer out of the shadows. Then the Dark Knight shifts forward to crouch over the balcony, his long black coat billowing out behind him as the steam vents from below.

The Dark Knight: “I’m not in this story. But before you go on, a few words of warning.”

There’s a dramatic flash of lightning and the rain starts to pelt in through the broken skylight. Sometimes the world goes crazy like that.

DK: “It’s come to my attention that there’s been a lot of… well, let’s call it the Bad Thing, happening in the Parodyverse of late. Even more than usual. And Badder than average. Very Bad. I’m here to remind you that women are Evil, and that the Bad Thing is not good.”

The clouds part to show a full moon that silhouetted the Dark Knight across a chaotic and moody skyline.

DK: “Consider this your only chance to escape. Change your ways now, before disaster befalls you all. And read this story. If that doesn’t convince you… then you deserve your fates.”

DK: “Oh, and also, do not commit crimes. Because then I will have to come and beat you to a gory pulp. That is all.”

Lightning flashes again. Cue theme tune and credits!

The Intermittent Adventures of De Brown Streak #22, Now With Original Formula Writer Once Again

Starring JOSH J. CLEMENT as the world’s fastest lover – er, no, wait a minute…

The rain drives hard against the windows of the Lair Mansion, steaming up the glass and causing the bedhead to rattle again and again against the wall until the legs fall of the bed. Damn rain. And cheap Badripoor furniture.

Josh: “Damn. I think we broke it.”

Princess Uhunalura of the Abhumans, looking down in alarm: “I didn’t mean to. It seemed pretty rigid, so I didn’t think…”

“The bed. I think we broke the bed.”

“Oh. The bed.” Uhuna looks guilty. “Do you think Visionary will be very angry?”

“Don’t worry. I’m sure if we don’t tell him that’ll be just fine.”

Uhuna: “You think he’d mind us sneaking into his room to make out while he’s been kidnapped by super-villains or whatever and the rest of the Lair Legion are off looking for him?”

DBS: “It’s not as if he’s needing it right now, is it? Besides, we broke my bed. And yours.”

Uhuna: “And Hatman’s.”

DBS: “We’re running out of beds. I refuse to do it with that purple bunny watching me in Yo’s room. When I see something moving under the sheets I prefer it not to be quite that fluffy.”

Uhuna: “And CSFB!’s room is too… sticky. And Trickshot’s room…”

Both shudder. Josh finds a way to prop the bed up with a battered old bowling trophy.

DBS: “So, we’ve been comforting each other non-stop for seventy-two hours now. Do you feel any better?”

Uhuna: “I feel kind of guilty, really. As if in some way I’ve been unfaithful to Bill.”

“Bill dumped you at the altar to become a demon lord. And sure, it was a big heroic sacrifice dealie, but he still dumped you. You’re a free agent now.”

“I am?” Uhuna considers this. “A free agent. So we’re not going out?”

“Well, we haven’t for the last 72 hours, unless you count Mumphrey’s croquet lawn. And those hoops will probably bend back.”

Uhuna: “I mean are we going out with each other? Or are you just going to use me for long, smouldering, meaningless, wonderful sex and then abandon me like Bill did?”

Dr Brown Streak freezes. “Er…”

Uhuna: “I mean, I’ll understand if that’s what you choose, Josh. I’m getting used to the idea that I’m really only good for one thing.”

DBS: “No, it’s not that, it’s just… Well, I’ve already had to postpone my dates with Nikki, Lukki, Tori, and Spanki, and I’m due to be seeing Loosa at nine and Camilla-Anne at eleven. And there’s only so many times I can use the Lair Emergency excuse.”

Uhuna: “But there is a Lair Emergency. Visionary is missing, and that shapechanging mutate woman that Al’s examining took his place to steal vital security data.”

“Mumphrey said there might be a conflict of interest in me taking on the Botherhood, so I’m benched,” DBS explains.

Uhuna: “You’re having to use a bench because we’ve broken all the beds. But honestly, Josh, if you have to go to be with… Spanki, or Slutti or whoever…”

Josh sees the tears starting for form in Uhuna’s eyes. “Aw no, no, it’s not like you think. Well, it is, but… I don’t want to make you unhappy. I just want to make Loosa and Camilla-Anne happy too.”

Uhuna, thoughtfully: “Well, there were some boys at the college who were interested in seeing more of me. And those guys on the Transworlds Challenge who wanted to show me their genetic adaptations.”

DBS, hastily: “Wait, you’re ignoring the massive society double-standard that says if I sleep with tons of women I’m a stud but if you sleep with lots of guys then you’re a, a…”

Uhuna: “Lisa?”

DBS: “Well, that’s one word for it, sure, but…”

Uhuna: “I mean that Lisa is calling us. Now remember that we’re perfectly innocent. We just happened to be admiring Visionary’s charred carpet patterns, like two mature adults who are in complete control of their rampaging libidos.”

DBS: “Right. Can you help me unstaple my shorts from the bedhead?”

Josh and Uhuna guiltily drag their clothes on and hurry down to the Lair Hall where the first lady of the Lair Legion is waiting for them.

DBS: “Hi. We heard you calling us. Both of us heard you, I mean. From opposite ends of the Mansion. We met by coincidence at the top of the stairs.”

Lisa: “……”

Uhuna: “Boy, she is good”

Lisa: “We’ve just heard back from the Field Team. They’ve tracked down a Botherhood training camp in Wichita but it was deserted by the time they got there. All that was left behind were a series of lethal deathtraps and the usual crud. And also the Botherhood ordered forty pizzas to be delivered then skipped out leaving Hatman to pay the bill.”

DHS: “Heh.”

Uhuna: “But no sign of Visionary? If he is dead then nobody will be needing his bed I suppose. But really it would be better if he was alive, even though it might cause trouble later.”

Lisa: “That’s my general view of him too. But no, there’s no sign that he was held by the Botherhood of Evil Mutates in their abandoned HQ. So I’m going to risk summoning him, and anyone who’s holding him. I called you here in case he’s being tortured by a super-villain or something, or in case he’s hurt.”

DBS: “Summon him. I can cope with whatever super-villain is holding him, no matter how terrible what they’re doing to him.”

Uhuna: “Call him here using your power, Lisa. Poor Vizh may be writhing and screaming and crying out even as we speak!”

Lisa: “I summons Visionary!!!”

There’s a popping noise and Vizh tumbles onto the Lair Carpet. Fortunately his fall is broken by the cushioning woman underneath him. And as reader of the previous chapters will know, that woman is…

“My sister, Pricilla!” gasps Josh.

“Hmm,” frowns Lisa. “Usually I have to concentrate to bring people to me without shifting their clothing too.”

“My sister, Pricilla!” gasps Josh come more. “And Visionary!”

Uhuna: “Do you think they’re going to notice they’ve been summoned here any time soon?”

Lisa: “I think I might be able to help. Yes, Kerry, Vizh is right here.”

Vizh, suddenly aware he’s not in a motel room. “Wait, what? Aaaaagh!” He slides off Pricilla and gets tangled up in the antique bearskin rug.

Uhuna: “That banana oil can be really slippery, can’t it?”

Pricilla, looking round: “Is this some kind of regular thing with the Lair Legion, watching as their members get their jollies?”

Josh: “My sister, Pricilla.” Suddenly Pricilla is wrapped in seventeen layers of fishing sweater raced from a sporting goods store in Parody Plaza. “What the hell were you doing with Visionary, Pricilla?”

Pricilla, innocently: “Visionary?”

Lisa: “The man cowering in his bearskin.”

Uhuna: “You should know what they were doing, Josh. After all, in the last 72 hours you’ve…”

“Read quietly in my room and studied my Lair Legion decoder manuals, yes,” DBS interrupts hastily. “Which brings me back to what the hell were you doing with Visionary, Pricilla?”

Vizh: “Er, if I could just explain…”

Lisa, DBS, Uhuna: “Yes?”

Hallie blinks in. “Yes?”

Flapjack limps into the hall. “Yes?”

Amber St Clare comes to see what’s going on: “Yes?”

The doorbell rings. It’s Rev Mac Fleetwood visiting to see Hatty. “Yes?”

Vizh: “If I could just explain… I’d be a whole lot happier.”

Hallie: “He could be another shapeshifter.”

Amber: “That would explain him scoring.”

Flapjack: “I could get my electric cattle prod and see if that shocks him back to his real form.”

Lisa: “No need. I summoned the real thing. Or the fake thing, depending on how you look at it.”

Flapjack: “I could get my cattle prod anyway. It’s no bother.”

Pricilla: “There’s nothing to explain. Vizh and I are dating. I am his girlfriend. We slipped away for a quiet weekend of rampant sex – yes Josh, sex, like you’ve been having lots of with your perky little Abhuman secret lover – and then we got called back by Leather Lawyer or whoever she is because otherwise we’d have been able to have a good time like ordinary people do, and that’s too much to expect with the Lair Legion.”

Hallie: “Girlfriend?”

Josh: “Sex?”

Lisa: “Leather Lawyer?”

Flapjack: “Perky little Abhuman lover?”

Amber: “Perky little Abhuman secret lover, is what she said.”

Mac: “I can see I called at a bad time.”

Vizh: “Girlfriend? You want to be my girlfriend, Pricilla?”

Pricilla: “Well, I prefer the term lover, but whatever.”

Josh: “Visionary, I warned what I was going to do if you soiled my sweet, innocent twin sister!”

Uhuna: “Were you going to break his bed?”

Vizh: “It… wasn’t my bed he was going to break.”

Flapjack: “Wait, you’re saying that DBS is doing it with Uhuna?”

Josh: “No, we’re saying that Vizh is doing it with my sister. And he’s going to die!”

Flapjack: “Either way I need to get my camera. Hold on.”

Lisa: “Really, Pricilla? With Visionary? Sex? The real thing?”

Vizh: “I’m real dammit. DontkillmeJosh!”

Uhuna: “Yes, Josh comforted me when I was depressed. He has comforted me a hundred and forty seven times in the last 72 hours. What’s wrong with that?”

Lisa: “147? Doesn’t sound like there’s much wrong with that at all.”

Mac: “Well, actually…”

Hallie: “You’re allergic to bearskin, aren’t you Vizh?”

Amber: “Don’t you think you took advantage of a vulnerable, sad person and used them shamelessly for your own sexual gratification?”

Pricilla: “It was Vizh’s choice to eat the bustier. Nobody forced him.”

Amber: “I mean Josh, actually, because he… did you say edible bustier?”

Lisa: “They’re high in calories but delicious with Kool Whip.”

Mac: “I really did call at a bad time, didn’t I?”

Josh: “I’m not the villain here. I never set out to seduce somebody as part of a complicated plot to betray the Lair Legion and conquer the world!”

Pricilla: “Are you saying somebody else did, then? Hmm?”

Josh: “No. No, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that I’m going to turn Visionary into a woman.”

Amber: “So you can wait until she’d depressed and then jump her bones?”

Vizh: “A-choo! I really am allergic to this bearskin. And I think Trickshot spilled some of his chilli onto it.”

Hallie: “Well, here come the rest of the Lair Legion back from their mission. Now we’ll get everything cleared up.”

Flapjack: “I dunno. Those chilli stains can be the devil.”

Visionary flees to his room.

Pricilla: “Well, as always, a surprise to meet you. I guess if nobody’s going to accuse anyone of trying to conquer the planet I’d better be getting home and seeing about reclaiming my baggage from seven hundred miles away.” She stares at Josh: “No one is making that accusation, are they? And nobody’s going to neuter my boyfriend, at least until I’m finished with him.”

Josh mumbles something.

“Hello all,” calls Sir Mumphrey. “So Visionary’s back safe and sound then? Good show.”

There’s the sound of Visionary falling onto the floor again as his bed collapses.




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